Day 3: Emotional Hunger?

BREKKY: BUTTERSCOTCH SHAKE
LUNCH: FRUITS OF THE FOREST SHAKE
DINNER: CHOCOLATE MINT SHAKE

Day 3 went quite smoothly although I did feel hungry. I had to wonder if it was real hunger or emotional hunger. Im such a comfort/boredom/for the hell of it eater that Im not really sure.

I need to really identify WHY i eat. It seems to me that there is no excuse or reason behind it. When I look at the facts, I eat no matter what my mood is or how life is going in general. What I DO know is that when I eat, Im not thinking about ANYTHING except the food.

So I believe I eat to block emotion, ANY emotion that might lead to anything surfacing that I will find uncomfortable. When I get upset and down or whatever, I feel discomfort...almost pain in my throat and tummy. I don't think that is physical, I am sure it is emotional. So I am 100% sure I eat to block emotion, but am not entirely sure whether its due to my mum only giving attention when she fed me or my dad teaching us to not express emotion. Or maybe its something else entirely. Prehaps its a big mix of all of the above?

I think this diet is going to make a lot of emotions surface because I am not doing the only thing that stops it all from spilling out. I may have the opportunity to bring everything out and deal with it for once and for all.

So far though, I am on the morning of day 4 and am feeling incredibly proud of myself. I still want to eat but then, I desire being slim far far more and will NOT give up on myself again.

I think a lot of my pain extends from being "let down" by others and treated poorly in my most formative years. Hell, even up until I was in my early 20s. Only when I met my husband, K, did I find a man who didn't want to use me and actually really wanted to know me as a person. I was open and upfront from the beginning (when we were growing closer) about my past. I expected him to run or be put off but he was so so understanding. That shocked me because I hadn't been treated like that by a man. It actually turned out we shared similar experiences. Both with mentally ill mums and both with fathers we always felt we needed approval from. I knwo these aren't exactly the things you go out looking for in a relationship but never the less, it helped us to bond and things grew from there.

The only reason I could really conduct this relationship somewhat successfully was because he was in America and I was in London. We actually met on the internet, quite by accident. I certainly wasn't looking to meet anyone and nor was he. We were both seeing other people and didn't flirt at all. Our other relationships fizzled out eventually and we spent more time (virtually) together. We soon realised we were spending time away from the computer but still thinking about eachother and after much messing about, we admited it and agreed to meet in person to see if there was a future. After lots of flying back and forth for weeks and months at a time, we took the plunge and got married. That was nearly 3 years ago.

It took me a long time to adjust to "letting someone in" and it made our married life pretty crap at times. I had never properly lived with anyone and never trusted anyone to this extent. I found it really difficult to stop being selfish and share my children etc. For a long time he felt like an outsider in our home and I liked it like that because it still meant he couldn't hurt me and I had an advantage.

Through councelling, things went from bad to worse, because I couldn't handle the emotions I was going through and he couldn't handle the way I became. I used it to push him further and further away. He also was at fault with things. We were as bad as eachother and our pasts were making us miserable together. He too went through counselling and eventually we learned to work together and trust eachother properly. Now we are incredibly happy. We have a normal, happy marriage which functions as a partnership but only because we fought for it.

Now all thats left to deal with is parts of my past and my weight. He never puts me down about my weight but I know he doesn't like it. As the weight has piled on, he has lost sexual attraction for me and gets annoyed with the side effects of my weight. (not being very active, illnesses being more often etc). Throughout though, he remains loving and close to me.

Although my weight loss is MY journey and MY desire, I know it will benefit all of us and that spurs me on. I am married to a wonderful man who works hard for us and I want him to be as happy as he can be. He deserves to be fulfilled within our marriage as much as I do. The weight makes no one happy or more fulfilled. So! It really really does have to go this time. REALLY REALLY!!!!