Having just seen a 10 day old email asking about this poor neglected blog, I thought i would drop in and start making the effort.
The truth is, I have been using www.minimins.com all the time and so started a weight loss diary there but I do miss posting here so I think I will just do this diary in both places.
Well, its late...Valentines has left me tired... i must sleep!!
Thursday, 15 February 2007
Wednesday, 20 December 2006
Damn Chicken Sandwich!
I have worked so ruddy hard and finally caved in to temptation.
I was making hubby some dinner, roast chicken, potatoes and peas. I couldn't help myself There was just so much meat left on that teasing bird so I grabbed 2 slices of wholemeal bread and some low fat mayo. I cut of enough meat for a nice chunky sarnie and shoved it all in my mouth within about 3 bites. agghh!
Well ok, I didn't shive it in really. I savoured it for ages and couldn't help myself from enjoying it. It wasn't the sarnie that i was enjoying to be honest, it was the chewing and feeling normal again! The sandwich itself was not all that nice. Not nearly as nice as I thought it was going to be.
Its funny but I think when you start missing food and feeling deprived, you build it up to be more yummy than it really is. I have to say, my tempting bastard sarnie didnt really taste much of anything but I still enjoyed the chewing.
Was it worth the guilt though? NOPE!
I got kicked out of ketosis and am having to start all over again. I can't give up so easily. I have already taken steps to prepare myself for being slim very soon!
I went onto ebay.co.uk and bought myself a gorgeous mini-dress in a size 10 which is probably totally unsuitable for someone who will be 30 when they can wear it but thats ok, I intend to act out being 21 again for the next decade so sod it!
I also bought a trendy yummy red top which is exactly the kind of top that would only suit someone with a small figure.
So my new dress and top are sitting in my wardrobe. Every couple of days I take them out and think about the time when I will be able to wear them and how nice they'll look. It does help me stay on track (except when a chicken is calling me).
So to combat the cravings and temptations of cheating I have begged hubby to take over in the kitchen. He has agreed to do the shopping and cooking for him and the kids. Except for 1 week a month, he will be doing all the food. For that one week a month, he'll be working from noon til 8pm so I will have to see to those meals. I have asked him to try to have something already prepared for me to just quickly re-heat. He says he'll try but I am not that deluded really lol. I am pretty sure he will get naffed off with doing all the food but tough luck really. I need the support and help. If it kills me (or, most likely him) he will uddy well provide that support!
As for Christmas day.....
Well I stupidly offered to have my entire family over for Christmas Day before I started the cambridge Diet. So they are all still coming. I am cooking for 10 people and so will have that day off the diet. I hereby swear to be sensible and just eat a little without feeling guilt or worrying. I just have to be really good until the day otherwise I will feel like I have failed.
God help me stay strong!
In the meantime, I am off to the gym tonight. The scary place where fatties fear to tread. I hate walking in and only feel ok when I see other fatties (which is every single time...theres always a few of us in there!)
You aren't meant to excersise too much during this diet but 45 minutes on the treadmill never killed anyone...at least I doubt it has.
Hopefully I wont be the first. Thats a lottery I dont wanna win ( as hubby would say!)
I was making hubby some dinner, roast chicken, potatoes and peas. I couldn't help myself There was just so much meat left on that teasing bird so I grabbed 2 slices of wholemeal bread and some low fat mayo. I cut of enough meat for a nice chunky sarnie and shoved it all in my mouth within about 3 bites. agghh!
Well ok, I didn't shive it in really. I savoured it for ages and couldn't help myself from enjoying it. It wasn't the sarnie that i was enjoying to be honest, it was the chewing and feeling normal again! The sandwich itself was not all that nice. Not nearly as nice as I thought it was going to be.
Its funny but I think when you start missing food and feeling deprived, you build it up to be more yummy than it really is. I have to say, my tempting bastard sarnie didnt really taste much of anything but I still enjoyed the chewing.
Was it worth the guilt though? NOPE!
I got kicked out of ketosis and am having to start all over again. I can't give up so easily. I have already taken steps to prepare myself for being slim very soon!
I went onto ebay.co.uk and bought myself a gorgeous mini-dress in a size 10 which is probably totally unsuitable for someone who will be 30 when they can wear it but thats ok, I intend to act out being 21 again for the next decade so sod it!
I also bought a trendy yummy red top which is exactly the kind of top that would only suit someone with a small figure.
So my new dress and top are sitting in my wardrobe. Every couple of days I take them out and think about the time when I will be able to wear them and how nice they'll look. It does help me stay on track (except when a chicken is calling me).
So to combat the cravings and temptations of cheating I have begged hubby to take over in the kitchen. He has agreed to do the shopping and cooking for him and the kids. Except for 1 week a month, he will be doing all the food. For that one week a month, he'll be working from noon til 8pm so I will have to see to those meals. I have asked him to try to have something already prepared for me to just quickly re-heat. He says he'll try but I am not that deluded really lol. I am pretty sure he will get naffed off with doing all the food but tough luck really. I need the support and help. If it kills me (or, most likely him) he will uddy well provide that support!
As for Christmas day.....
Well I stupidly offered to have my entire family over for Christmas Day before I started the cambridge Diet. So they are all still coming. I am cooking for 10 people and so will have that day off the diet. I hereby swear to be sensible and just eat a little without feeling guilt or worrying. I just have to be really good until the day otherwise I will feel like I have failed.
God help me stay strong!
In the meantime, I am off to the gym tonight. The scary place where fatties fear to tread. I hate walking in and only feel ok when I see other fatties (which is every single time...theres always a few of us in there!)
You aren't meant to excersise too much during this diet but 45 minutes on the treadmill never killed anyone...at least I doubt it has.
Hopefully I wont be the first. Thats a lottery I dont wanna win ( as hubby would say!)
Friday, 15 December 2006
First Weigh-In
I have neglected posting for the last few days as I have been spending a lot of time on www.minimins.com and dealing with the forthcoming festivities.
However, today IS my first completed week and so I felt I should report my progress.
However, today IS my first completed week and so I felt I should report my progress.
I have lost 10lbs this week!
Monday, 11 December 2006
Day 3: Emotional Hunger?
BREKKY: BUTTERSCOTCH SHAKE
LUNCH: FRUITS OF THE FOREST SHAKE
DINNER: CHOCOLATE MINT SHAKE
Day 3 went quite smoothly although I did feel hungry. I had to wonder if it was real hunger or emotional hunger. Im such a comfort/boredom/for the hell of it eater that Im not really sure.
I need to really identify WHY i eat. It seems to me that there is no excuse or reason behind it. When I look at the facts, I eat no matter what my mood is or how life is going in general. What I DO know is that when I eat, Im not thinking about ANYTHING except the food.
So I believe I eat to block emotion, ANY emotion that might lead to anything surfacing that I will find uncomfortable. When I get upset and down or whatever, I feel discomfort...almost pain in my throat and tummy. I don't think that is physical, I am sure it is emotional. So I am 100% sure I eat to block emotion, but am not entirely sure whether its due to my mum only giving attention when she fed me or my dad teaching us to not express emotion. Or maybe its something else entirely. Prehaps its a big mix of all of the above?
I think this diet is going to make a lot of emotions surface because I am not doing the only thing that stops it all from spilling out. I may have the opportunity to bring everything out and deal with it for once and for all.
So far though, I am on the morning of day 4 and am feeling incredibly proud of myself. I still want to eat but then, I desire being slim far far more and will NOT give up on myself again.
I think a lot of my pain extends from being "let down" by others and treated poorly in my most formative years. Hell, even up until I was in my early 20s. Only when I met my husband, K, did I find a man who didn't want to use me and actually really wanted to know me as a person. I was open and upfront from the beginning (when we were growing closer) about my past. I expected him to run or be put off but he was so so understanding. That shocked me because I hadn't been treated like that by a man. It actually turned out we shared similar experiences. Both with mentally ill mums and both with fathers we always felt we needed approval from. I knwo these aren't exactly the things you go out looking for in a relationship but never the less, it helped us to bond and things grew from there.
The only reason I could really conduct this relationship somewhat successfully was because he was in America and I was in London. We actually met on the internet, quite by accident. I certainly wasn't looking to meet anyone and nor was he. We were both seeing other people and didn't flirt at all. Our other relationships fizzled out eventually and we spent more time (virtually) together. We soon realised we were spending time away from the computer but still thinking about eachother and after much messing about, we admited it and agreed to meet in person to see if there was a future. After lots of flying back and forth for weeks and months at a time, we took the plunge and got married. That was nearly 3 years ago.
It took me a long time to adjust to "letting someone in" and it made our married life pretty crap at times. I had never properly lived with anyone and never trusted anyone to this extent. I found it really difficult to stop being selfish and share my children etc. For a long time he felt like an outsider in our home and I liked it like that because it still meant he couldn't hurt me and I had an advantage.
Through councelling, things went from bad to worse, because I couldn't handle the emotions I was going through and he couldn't handle the way I became. I used it to push him further and further away. He also was at fault with things. We were as bad as eachother and our pasts were making us miserable together. He too went through counselling and eventually we learned to work together and trust eachother properly. Now we are incredibly happy. We have a normal, happy marriage which functions as a partnership but only because we fought for it.
Now all thats left to deal with is parts of my past and my weight. He never puts me down about my weight but I know he doesn't like it. As the weight has piled on, he has lost sexual attraction for me and gets annoyed with the side effects of my weight. (not being very active, illnesses being more often etc). Throughout though, he remains loving and close to me.
Although my weight loss is MY journey and MY desire, I know it will benefit all of us and that spurs me on. I am married to a wonderful man who works hard for us and I want him to be as happy as he can be. He deserves to be fulfilled within our marriage as much as I do. The weight makes no one happy or more fulfilled. So! It really really does have to go this time. REALLY REALLY!!!!
LUNCH: FRUITS OF THE FOREST SHAKE
DINNER: CHOCOLATE MINT SHAKE
Day 3 went quite smoothly although I did feel hungry. I had to wonder if it was real hunger or emotional hunger. Im such a comfort/boredom/for the hell of it eater that Im not really sure.
I need to really identify WHY i eat. It seems to me that there is no excuse or reason behind it. When I look at the facts, I eat no matter what my mood is or how life is going in general. What I DO know is that when I eat, Im not thinking about ANYTHING except the food.
So I believe I eat to block emotion, ANY emotion that might lead to anything surfacing that I will find uncomfortable. When I get upset and down or whatever, I feel discomfort...almost pain in my throat and tummy. I don't think that is physical, I am sure it is emotional. So I am 100% sure I eat to block emotion, but am not entirely sure whether its due to my mum only giving attention when she fed me or my dad teaching us to not express emotion. Or maybe its something else entirely. Prehaps its a big mix of all of the above?
I think this diet is going to make a lot of emotions surface because I am not doing the only thing that stops it all from spilling out. I may have the opportunity to bring everything out and deal with it for once and for all.
So far though, I am on the morning of day 4 and am feeling incredibly proud of myself. I still want to eat but then, I desire being slim far far more and will NOT give up on myself again.
I think a lot of my pain extends from being "let down" by others and treated poorly in my most formative years. Hell, even up until I was in my early 20s. Only when I met my husband, K, did I find a man who didn't want to use me and actually really wanted to know me as a person. I was open and upfront from the beginning (when we were growing closer) about my past. I expected him to run or be put off but he was so so understanding. That shocked me because I hadn't been treated like that by a man. It actually turned out we shared similar experiences. Both with mentally ill mums and both with fathers we always felt we needed approval from. I knwo these aren't exactly the things you go out looking for in a relationship but never the less, it helped us to bond and things grew from there.
The only reason I could really conduct this relationship somewhat successfully was because he was in America and I was in London. We actually met on the internet, quite by accident. I certainly wasn't looking to meet anyone and nor was he. We were both seeing other people and didn't flirt at all. Our other relationships fizzled out eventually and we spent more time (virtually) together. We soon realised we were spending time away from the computer but still thinking about eachother and after much messing about, we admited it and agreed to meet in person to see if there was a future. After lots of flying back and forth for weeks and months at a time, we took the plunge and got married. That was nearly 3 years ago.
It took me a long time to adjust to "letting someone in" and it made our married life pretty crap at times. I had never properly lived with anyone and never trusted anyone to this extent. I found it really difficult to stop being selfish and share my children etc. For a long time he felt like an outsider in our home and I liked it like that because it still meant he couldn't hurt me and I had an advantage.
Through councelling, things went from bad to worse, because I couldn't handle the emotions I was going through and he couldn't handle the way I became. I used it to push him further and further away. He also was at fault with things. We were as bad as eachother and our pasts were making us miserable together. He too went through counselling and eventually we learned to work together and trust eachother properly. Now we are incredibly happy. We have a normal, happy marriage which functions as a partnership but only because we fought for it.
Now all thats left to deal with is parts of my past and my weight. He never puts me down about my weight but I know he doesn't like it. As the weight has piled on, he has lost sexual attraction for me and gets annoyed with the side effects of my weight. (not being very active, illnesses being more often etc). Throughout though, he remains loving and close to me.
Although my weight loss is MY journey and MY desire, I know it will benefit all of us and that spurs me on. I am married to a wonderful man who works hard for us and I want him to be as happy as he can be. He deserves to be fulfilled within our marriage as much as I do. The weight makes no one happy or more fulfilled. So! It really really does have to go this time. REALLY REALLY!!!!
Sunday, 10 December 2006
Day 2 Completed!
Day 2 was great. Didn't get a headache or anything at all like that. Im sleeping much better than I have in years and feel full of energy and cheer. Best of all, NO HUNGER!! Despite taking the kids to McDonalds for lunch, smelling fresh Cornish Pasties for hours at the Christmas fair I took the kids to and watching the entire family eating a nice meal at my mums....i felt fine with my shakes and soup.
Its all about the water intake and the conviction to lose the weight. I could have easily tucked into the kids chips but my desire to be slim is much greater for once.
Brekky: Toffee & Walnut Shake (really yummy)
Lunch: Chocolate velvet Tetra drink
Dinner: Chilli Soup (absolutely gorgeous!!)
I have joined www.minimins.com and find so much support and inspiration there. No matter what diet you are following, this site has a forum for you. :-)
Its all about the water intake and the conviction to lose the weight. I could have easily tucked into the kids chips but my desire to be slim is much greater for once.
Brekky: Toffee & Walnut Shake (really yummy)
Lunch: Chocolate velvet Tetra drink
Dinner: Chilli Soup (absolutely gorgeous!!)
I have joined www.minimins.com and find so much support and inspiration there. No matter what diet you are following, this site has a forum for you. :-)
Saturday, 9 December 2006
Day One Completed!
STARTING WEIGHT: 18 STONES 5 LBS
BREKKY: CHOCOLATE MINT SHAKE
LUNCH: VANILLA SHAKE (with hot water and a shot of decaf coffee- like a latte, yum!)
DINNER: CHICKEN & MUSHROOM SOUP
I didn't end up starting the Cambridge diet until yesterday because I got a bug the previous day. My kids have one by one gotten a 12 hour bug of vomitting and upset tummys. My turn was bound to come and so yesterday was my day one.
So my first weight in showed me at 18stones 5lbs
Im so massive!! Not for long though...grrr!
Well the day started ok. Throughout the day I drank 9 pints of water and it did filled me up. I didn't feel hungry once. In fact, I felt quite the opposite! bloated and full allll day long. YAY!
I have to say, I struggled to have the soup because I was so full. The very best thing about all of my first day was how full I was and how delicious the shakes and soup were.
I've been on lipotrim before and the shakes were disgusting and very limited in flavours. There are so many flavours of soups and shakes with the Cambridge Diet so I am very impressed. If the others are as delicious, I will be on cloud nine! hehe.
The downside about today is I got a bit lightheaded and shakey at some points of the day. By the evening I had a headache which was a shame because I couldn't enjoy my sons school play as much as I wanted to.
I did get to catch up with my friend while I was there though. Shes been on lipotrim for 3 weeks and has lost 2 stones 6 lbs in that short time!! She also had more energy than I have seen her with before. She was positively bubbling over!
I found that encouraging. I sat with my headache watching her chat away all hyper and thought to myself, "ketosis is only a few days away...then i will have that energy too"
Lastnight I felt exhausted. Really really "done in". I lay on the sofa with a blanket and pillow and fell asleep quite early. Hubby dearest said I looked so deep in sleep he didn't want to disturb me by sending me to bed. Im betting he just wanted to stretch out on the bed though hehe. I did have the deepest and most satisfying sleep than I have had for a long time. I don't know if that has anything to do with the first day of the diet but it was really nice. I feel so refreshed today. i ALWAYS wake up tired so I feel great today.
I fully intend to weigh only once a week BUT this morning I really couldn't help myself. I popped on the scales and I am at 18 stones exactly. I have lost 5 lbs overnight!!!!! Unreal!
BREKKY: CHOCOLATE MINT SHAKE
LUNCH: VANILLA SHAKE (with hot water and a shot of decaf coffee- like a latte, yum!)
DINNER: CHICKEN & MUSHROOM SOUP
I didn't end up starting the Cambridge diet until yesterday because I got a bug the previous day. My kids have one by one gotten a 12 hour bug of vomitting and upset tummys. My turn was bound to come and so yesterday was my day one.
So my first weight in showed me at 18stones 5lbs
Im so massive!! Not for long though...grrr!
Well the day started ok. Throughout the day I drank 9 pints of water and it did filled me up. I didn't feel hungry once. In fact, I felt quite the opposite! bloated and full allll day long. YAY!
I have to say, I struggled to have the soup because I was so full. The very best thing about all of my first day was how full I was and how delicious the shakes and soup were.
I've been on lipotrim before and the shakes were disgusting and very limited in flavours. There are so many flavours of soups and shakes with the Cambridge Diet so I am very impressed. If the others are as delicious, I will be on cloud nine! hehe.
The downside about today is I got a bit lightheaded and shakey at some points of the day. By the evening I had a headache which was a shame because I couldn't enjoy my sons school play as much as I wanted to.
I did get to catch up with my friend while I was there though. Shes been on lipotrim for 3 weeks and has lost 2 stones 6 lbs in that short time!! She also had more energy than I have seen her with before. She was positively bubbling over!
I found that encouraging. I sat with my headache watching her chat away all hyper and thought to myself, "ketosis is only a few days away...then i will have that energy too"
Lastnight I felt exhausted. Really really "done in". I lay on the sofa with a blanket and pillow and fell asleep quite early. Hubby dearest said I looked so deep in sleep he didn't want to disturb me by sending me to bed. Im betting he just wanted to stretch out on the bed though hehe. I did have the deepest and most satisfying sleep than I have had for a long time. I don't know if that has anything to do with the first day of the diet but it was really nice. I feel so refreshed today. i ALWAYS wake up tired so I feel great today.
I fully intend to weigh only once a week BUT this morning I really couldn't help myself. I popped on the scales and I am at 18 stones exactly. I have lost 5 lbs overnight!!!!! Unreal!
Thursday, 7 December 2006
False Start
Today I got an 8am phone call from my sister asking me if I could babysit my niece because she had been poorly the night before and my sister had a few things to do. So I ended up having to wait ages before I could meet with CDC (Cambridge Diet Counsellor) to collect my packs.
After collecting my packs I started feeling poorly too and was sick so I didn'y start today. Hopefully Im feeling well tomorrow and will start then :-)
After collecting my packs I started feeling poorly too and was sick so I didn'y start today. Hopefully Im feeling well tomorrow and will start then :-)
A change of mind....
Yesterday I emailed Mike from the previously mentioned post to ask him a little advice about joining Lighterlife or the Cambridge diet. The pros for LL being that the cognitive therapy comes with the diet but on the downside, I can't start right away and I don't really feel drawn to the counsellor the way I did with the therapist I saw a year or so ago.
Don't get me wrong, she seemed to know her stuff but I think a lot of it is that I have someone else to compare her to and I don't feel the same...ummm...warmth(?) I feel with my previous counsellor, J.
In the meantime I approached a local Cambridge diet counsellor, T and she is really really lovely. Her concern seems to start and end with her clients and I really took to her personality whilst chatting away on the phone. So, I am even more swayed to start with the cambridge diet and get the cognitive therapy with a therapist I am already well aquainted with.
Makes perfect sense to me!
So I get to start the Cambridge diet today. Had my medical this morning and all was well on that front so TODAY IS THE DAY!!! I'm going to see T today to give her my medical sheet and pick up the packs. WOOHOO!
Don't get me wrong, she seemed to know her stuff but I think a lot of it is that I have someone else to compare her to and I don't feel the same...ummm...warmth(?) I feel with my previous counsellor, J.
In the meantime I approached a local Cambridge diet counsellor, T and she is really really lovely. Her concern seems to start and end with her clients and I really took to her personality whilst chatting away on the phone. So, I am even more swayed to start with the cambridge diet and get the cognitive therapy with a therapist I am already well aquainted with.
Makes perfect sense to me!
So I get to start the Cambridge diet today. Had my medical this morning and all was well on that front so TODAY IS THE DAY!!! I'm going to see T today to give her my medical sheet and pick up the packs. WOOHOO!
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