TEN TON TESS- Completely Losing It!

Neglected Blog

2007-02-15T03:34:00.000Z

Having just seen a 10 day old email asking about this poor neglected blog, I thought i would drop in and start making the effort.

The truth is, I have been using www.minimins.com all the time and so started a weight loss diary there but I do miss posting here so I think I will just do this diary in both places.

Well, its late...Valentines has left me tired... i must sleep!!

Damn Chicken Sandwich!

2006-12-20T14:17:00.000Z

I have worked so ruddy hard and finally caved in to temptation.

I was making hubby some dinner, roast chicken, potatoes and peas. I couldn't help myself There was just so much meat left on that teasing bird so I grabbed 2 slices of wholemeal bread and some low fat mayo. I cut of enough meat for a nice chunky sarnie and shoved it all in my mouth within about 3 bites. agghh!

Well ok, I didn't shive it in really. I savoured it for ages and couldn't help myself from enjoying it. It wasn't the sarnie that i was enjoying to be honest, it was the chewing and feeling normal again! The sandwich itself was not all that nice. Not nearly as nice as I thought it was going to be.

Its funny but I think when you start missing food and feeling deprived, you build it up to be more yummy than it really is. I have to say, my tempting bastard sarnie didnt really taste much of anything but I still enjoyed the chewing.

Was it worth the guilt though? NOPE!

I got kicked out of ketosis and am having to start all over again. I can't give up so easily. I have already taken steps to prepare myself for being slim very soon!

I went onto ebay.co.uk and bought myself a gorgeous mini-dress in a size 10 which is probably totally unsuitable for someone who will be 30 when they can wear it but thats ok, I intend to act out being 21 again for the next decade so sod it!

I also bought a trendy yummy red top which is exactly the kind of top that would only suit someone with a small figure.

So my new dress and top are sitting in my wardrobe. Every couple of days I take them out and think about the time when I will be able to wear them and how nice they'll look. It does help me stay on track (except when a chicken is calling me).

So to combat the cravings and temptations of cheating I have begged hubby to take over in the kitchen. He has agreed to do the shopping and cooking for him and the kids. Except for 1 week a month, he will be doing all the food. For that one week a month, he'll be working from noon til 8pm so I will have to see to those meals. I have asked him to try to have something already prepared for me to just quickly re-heat. He says he'll try but I am not that deluded really lol. I am pretty sure he will get naffed off with doing all the food but tough luck really. I need the support and help. If it kills me (or, most likely him) he will uddy well provide that support!

As for Christmas day.....

Well I stupidly offered to have my entire family over for Christmas Day before I started the cambridge Diet. So they are all still coming. I am cooking for 10 people and so will have that day off the diet. I hereby swear to be sensible and just eat a little without feeling guilt or worrying. I just have to be really good until the day otherwise I will feel like I have failed.

God help me stay strong!

In the meantime, I am off to the gym tonight. The scary place where fatties fear to tread. I hate walking in and only feel ok when I see other fatties (which is every single time...theres always a few of us in there!)

You aren't meant to excersise too much during this diet but 45 minutes on the treadmill never killed anyone...at least I doubt it has.

Hopefully I wont be the first. Thats a lottery I dont wanna win ( as hubby would say!)

First Weigh-In

2006-12-15T12:44:00.000Z

I have neglected posting for the last few days as I have been spending a lot of time on www.minimins.com and dealing with the forthcoming festivities.

However, today IS my first completed week and so I felt I should report my progress.

I have lost 10lbs this week!

Day 3: Emotional Hunger?

2006-12-11T09:31:00.002Z

BREKKY: BUTTERSCOTCH SHAKE
LUNCH: FRUITS OF THE FOREST SHAKE
DINNER: CHOCOLATE MINT SHAKE

Day 3 went quite smoothly although I did feel hungry. I had to wonder if it was real hunger or emotional hunger. Im such a comfort/boredom/for the hell of it eater that Im not really sure.

I need to really identify WHY i eat. It seems to me that there is no excuse or reason behind it. When I look at the facts, I eat no matter what my mood is or how life is going in general. What I DO know is that when I eat, Im not thinking about ANYTHING except the food.

So I believe I eat to block emotion, ANY emotion that might lead to anything surfacing that I will find uncomfortable. When I get upset and down or whatever, I feel discomfort...almost pain in my throat and tummy. I don't think that is physical, I am sure it is emotional. So I am 100% sure I eat to block emotion, but am not entirely sure whether its due to my mum only giving attention when she fed me or my dad teaching us to not express emotion. Or maybe its something else entirely. Prehaps its a big mix of all of the above?

I think this diet is going to make a lot of emotions surface because I am not doing the only thing that stops it all from spilling out. I may have the opportunity to bring everything out and deal with it for once and for all.

So far though, I am on the morning of day 4 and am feeling incredibly proud of myself. I still want to eat but then, I desire being slim far far more and will NOT give up on myself again.

I think a lot of my pain extends from being "let down" by others and treated poorly in my most formative years. Hell, even up until I was in my early 20s. Only when I met my husband, K, did I find a man who didn't want to use me and actually really wanted to know me as a person. I was open and upfront from the beginning (when we were growing closer) about my past. I expected him to run or be put off but he was so so understanding. That shocked me because I hadn't been treated like that by a man. It actually turned out we shared similar experiences. Both with mentally ill mums and both with fathers we always felt we needed approval from. I knwo these aren't exactly the things you go out looking for in a relationship but never the less, it helped us to bond and things grew from there.

The only reason I could really conduct this relationship somewhat successfully was because he was in America and I was in London. We actually met on the internet, quite by accident. I certainly wasn't looking to meet anyone and nor was he. We were both seeing other people and didn't flirt at all. Our other relationships fizzled out eventually and we spent more time (virtually) together. We soon realised we were spending time away from the computer but still thinking about eachother and after much messing about, we admited it and agreed to meet in person to see if there was a future. After lots of flying back and forth for weeks and months at a time, we took the plunge and got married. That was nearly 3 years ago.

It took me a long time to adjust to "letting someone in" and it made our married life pretty crap at times. I had never properly lived with anyone and never trusted anyone to this extent. I found it really difficult to stop being selfish and share my children etc. For a long time he felt like an outsider in our home and I liked it like that because it still meant he couldn't hurt me and I had an advantage.

Through councelling, things went from bad to worse, because I couldn't handle the emotions I was going through and he couldn't handle the way I became. I used it to push him further and further away. He also was at fault with things. We were as bad as eachother and our pasts were making us miserable together. He too went through counselling and eventually we learned to work together and trust eachother properly. Now we are incredibly happy. We have a normal, happy marriage which functions as a partnership but only because we fought for it.

Now all thats left to deal with is parts of my past and my weight. He never puts me down about my weight but I know he doesn't like it. As the weight has piled on, he has lost sexual attraction for me and gets annoyed with the side effects of my weight. (not being very active, illnesses being more often etc). Throughout though, he remains loving and close to me.

Although my weight loss is MY journey and MY desire, I know it will benefit all of us and that spurs me on. I am married to a wonderful man who works hard for us and I want him to be as happy as he can be. He deserves to be fulfilled within our marriage as much as I do. The weight makes no one happy or more fulfilled. So! It really really does have to go this time. REALLY REALLY!!!!

Day 2 Completed!

2006-12-10T13:56:00.000Z

Day 2 was great. Didn't get a headache or anything at all like that. Im sleeping much better than I have in years and feel full of energy and cheer. Best of all, NO HUNGER!! Despite taking the kids to McDonalds for lunch, smelling fresh Cornish Pasties for hours at the Christmas fair I took the kids to and watching the entire family eating a nice meal at my mums....i felt fine with my shakes and soup.

Its all about the water intake and the conviction to lose the weight. I could have easily tucked into the kids chips but my desire to be slim is much greater for once.

Brekky: Toffee & Walnut Shake (really yummy)
Lunch: Chocolate velvet Tetra drink
Dinner: Chilli Soup (absolutely gorgeous!!)

I have joined www.minimins.com and find so much support and inspiration there. No matter what diet you are following, this site has a forum for you. :-)

Day One Completed!

2006-12-09T09:28:00.000Z

STARTING WEIGHT: 18 STONES 5 LBS

BREKKY: CHOCOLATE MINT SHAKE
LUNCH: VANILLA SHAKE (with hot water and a shot of decaf coffee- like a latte, yum!)
DINNER: CHICKEN & MUSHROOM SOUP

I didn't end up starting the Cambridge diet until yesterday because I got a bug the previous day. My kids have one by one gotten a 12 hour bug of vomitting and upset tummys. My turn was bound to come and so yesterday was my day one.

So my first weight in showed me at 18stones 5lbs

Im so massive!! Not for long though...grrr!

Well the day started ok. Throughout the day I drank 9 pints of water and it did filled me up. I didn't feel hungry once. In fact, I felt quite the opposite! bloated and full allll day long. YAY!

I have to say, I struggled to have the soup because I was so full. The very best thing about all of my first day was how full I was and how delicious the shakes and soup were.

I've been on lipotrim before and the shakes were disgusting and very limited in flavours. There are so many flavours of soups and shakes with the Cambridge Diet so I am very impressed. If the others are as delicious, I will be on cloud nine! hehe.

The downside about today is I got a bit lightheaded and shakey at some points of the day. By the evening I had a headache which was a shame because I couldn't enjoy my sons school play as much as I wanted to.

I did get to catch up with my friend while I was there though. Shes been on lipotrim for 3 weeks and has lost 2 stones 6 lbs in that short time!! She also had more energy than I have seen her with before. She was positively bubbling over!

I found that encouraging. I sat with my headache watching her chat away all hyper and thought to myself, "ketosis is only a few days away...then i will have that energy too"

Lastnight I felt exhausted. Really really "done in". I lay on the sofa with a blanket and pillow and fell asleep quite early. Hubby dearest said I looked so deep in sleep he didn't want to disturb me by sending me to bed. Im betting he just wanted to stretch out on the bed though hehe. I did have the deepest and most satisfying sleep than I have had for a long time. I don't know if that has anything to do with the first day of the diet but it was really nice. I feel so refreshed today. i ALWAYS wake up tired so I feel great today.

I fully intend to weigh only once a week BUT this morning I really couldn't help myself. I popped on the scales and I am at 18 stones exactly. I have lost 5 lbs overnight!!!!! Unreal!

False Start

2006-12-07T18:21:00.000Z

Today I got an 8am phone call from my sister asking me if I could babysit my niece because she had been poorly the night before and my sister had a few things to do. So I ended up having to wait ages before I could meet with CDC (Cambridge Diet Counsellor) to collect my packs.

After collecting my packs I started feeling poorly too and was sick so I didn'y start today. Hopefully Im feeling well tomorrow and will start then :-)

A change of mind....

2006-12-07T07:32:00.000Z

Yesterday I emailed Mike from the previously mentioned post to ask him a little advice about joining Lighterlife or the Cambridge diet. The pros for LL being that the cognitive therapy comes with the diet but on the downside, I can't start right away and I don't really feel drawn to the counsellor the way I did with the therapist I saw a year or so ago.

Don't get me wrong, she seemed to know her stuff but I think a lot of it is that I have someone else to compare her to and I don't feel the same...ummm...warmth(?) I feel with my previous counsellor, J.

In the meantime I approached a local Cambridge diet counsellor, T and she is really really lovely. Her concern seems to start and end with her clients and I really took to her personality whilst chatting away on the phone. So, I am even more swayed to start with the cambridge diet and get the cognitive therapy with a therapist I am already well aquainted with.

Makes perfect sense to me!

So I get to start the Cambridge diet today. Had my medical this morning and all was well on that front so TODAY IS THE DAY!!! I'm going to see T today to give her my medical sheet and pick up the packs. WOOHOO!

See the Look of Determination!

2006-12-06T11:57:00.000Z

I had already decided that LL (lighterlife) was my only option to be where I want to be and fast! So yesterday I trawled the web in search of other LL & Cambridge dieter blogs. I was so disappointed to find so many had only one or two entries then disappeared. I can only assume they decided not to bother with the diet anymore otherwise im sure they would have been singing about their progess regularly. it wasnt exactly inspiring!

So I was delighted to finally find the blogs of Mike and James.

Mikes here: http://www.mylighterlife.co.uk/
James here: http://jamesb.iblog.com/blog/200878/page/4

I read Mikes last night and am half way through with James. I have to say I cried for about ten minutes when I finshed Mikes and sniffled for a good hour there after!

I felt really happy for him but mainly the tears were for myself and my family. Everything Im missing with them and vice versa. Everything Mike can now enjoy and ut made me determined so thank you for the inspiration Mike!

For a short period 6 years ago I was only 3 stones from target. I had just given birth to my daughter and had experienced the pregnancy from hell! Morning sickness lasting morning, noon and night throughout the entire 9 months so at 5'0, I was only 10stones 7lbs afterwards. I say "only" because thats the smallest I have ever been. I am now a whopping 18st 7lb and this has all been gained through stress, feeling low and the afore mentioned "issues" I have since being a wee nipper. For all the years in between I was always around 13-14 stones.

So here is a photo of me at my smallest 6 years ago...

and here is me now. God Im brave doing this. For someone who wants to be invisable....jeez..

God I must be mad doing this blog lol.

The Counselling Side of LighterLife...

2006-12-05T10:41:00.000Z

What appeals to me most about Lighter Life is having the counselling to break my habits/addiction. I am pretty damn sure it isn't the lack of food element that has got me hooked on the idea! However, its also the thing that scares me most about Lighterlife.

I have gone through some cognitive therapy before and it was HELL. I needed it and it did help in the long term but in the short term I was a gibbering wreck. I was emotionally raw and felt so utterly close to losing my mind. That stretch of counselling amost ended my marriage and for a while it made me a terrible mother because I was just going through so much pain and anguish.

Unfortunately, I stopped doing that therapy half way through because I found myself financially screwed and so could no longer afford to carry on. I always intended to go back but after a while the scab began to seal itself and I could lock away the pain again. I know thats not healthy but I always intended to go back....it just got put off and off and off. So now I am going to face it all again...with Lighter Life. Dear God I hope my counsellor can handle me!

Everything I say about myself is true. I'll change the names of everyone else in this blog so that I can express myself freely. In my mind I need to be able to get everything written down and "out there". Out of my head. I also hope that others who are wanting to lose weight will identify with this blog. My greatest hope is that it will encourage or help anyone take action and gain control of their own lives. If I inspire anyone I would be very grateful to know about it. It would mean a lot to me.

Anyways, I am digressing...

My concerns about the counselling is that I will have to revisit many awful things. I went through sexual abuse as a young child at the hands of a family member. I also experienced being raped at 14 amongst other things.

Growing up, I had a mentally ill mother who screwed me, my sister and brother up. My mum is a "dillusional paranoid manic depressive" person. This made for a very odd upbringing. She would think the phones were bugged and that we had creatures living in our bellies. She thought everyone was a bastard out to get at her. We knew no different so her mad ramblings and unbelievably weird behaviour were "normal" for us. The thing I think affected me most about my mum is that I couldn't talk to her. Most of the times I tried to she would twist everything you said to make it about her and her problems. Otherwise she would seem to take notice but then, a month later she would mention it all back to you but she would have warped it into something else in her mind and we soon learned that confiding in mum meant it made her ill and we felt guilty about that. So effectively, we had no mum. Most of the time though, she laid in bed. She stared through you and did'nt hear a word you said to her. She'd laugh to herself and was completely unaware you were even in the room. It was awful. I felt terribly neglected.

There were times of the day that mum gave us attention though. Feeding time. The only time she seemed to give me any attention was when she was feeding me. It was the only time she would praise me or love me at all. She never asked about school or how I was. She'd only ever ask if I was hungry. She made me eat even when I didn't want to. She gave me adult portions and only praised me when I cleared the plate.

As for dad, he was very emotionally closed to all of us. Always working and wound up. He loves us dearly but doesn't have the emotional capacity to express it. He hated any kind of emoton being expressed when we were young. If we cried or tried to express ANYTHING he couldn't emotionally deal with we were called stupid, told that the emotion was stupid and that we would have to stop it.

So there was no comfort or outward love from either parent. We learned to not express ourselves and had no parent figure to talk to or look up to.

Repressing all this emotion made my brother a very violent person. At 9 years my senior, he became my daily nightmare. He was abusive and violent to EVERYONE in the home. Including my elderly grandmother. It wasn't his fault and he isn't like that as an adult. It was purely the up-bringing we had. My sister was the one who I could go to but she was still a child herself. She left home as soon as she could. She didnt want to leave me behind but she was 7 years older so i couldnt go with her.

So without any role models and no one to interact with or learn relationships from, I became eager to please and wanted attention/love from anyone who would spare the time for me as I got older. When I was 14 I was raped by my teen sweethearts brother. He was 21. He got me drunk and raped me on his bathroom floor. I was so drunk (first time I ever tasted alcohol) I wasn't even concious through all of it. I kept waking and knowing I should try to stop it but also feeling it was expected of me. Afterwards he told everyone I had slept with him and I didn't even have enough self esteem to realise he had no right to do what he did to me. Everyone called me names and it really upset my "teen sweetheart". He was the first person I had grown close to in my entire life and he thought I was a slag because I slept with his brother. At no time did it occur to me to stand up for myself and say I didn't do it willingly. I felt nothing but shame and disgust for myself and of course, for the rape. It was not how I was meant to lose my virginity at all.

By 17 I thought sex was all that was expected from me and so I did it with anyone who asked. (well almost anyone but I did manage to avoid doing it at times). I just thought that was my function. I didn't like it. In fact I dreaded it but I thought it would make me liked and maybe even loved. All I ever wanted was for someone to really adore me but of course, if anyone ever really had...I wouldnt have known how to develop it past the sex. I was emotionally fucked beyond belief. I had no confidence and just learned to be bubbly and accommodating. My childhood had taught me to emotionally detach and mask everything. Pretend everything was fine and that there was no emotional turmoil.

All through this I was fat and constantly felt used and ashamed. Everything became this awful cycle that I didn't know how to escape from. I simply didn't have the emotional growth to trust myself or to believe in myself so everything just happened "at" me for years. The only thing I still believed was that things were only good when I was eating. The only time my mum could be proud of me and the only time I could be numb from everthing I felt.

So all of this and more besides will be coming out in my sessions prehaps. That is what scares me. I dont want to get raw again. The part of me that can detach so easily means I can say everything I have been through very casually but the part of me that needs to confront it all and deal with it will pour out of control when the scab is picked off again. Whilst I really want to finally work through it all, I am really scared about how I will feel and what it will change. What it will mean to my life as it is.

For every bit of excitement I feel about starting Lighterlife, I feel every bit as daunted too. I hope this is a journey that wont send me to a loony bin!

LighterLife Info Meeting...

2006-12-05T09:54:00.000Z

OOOoooo....I went along to my LighterLife Info meeting and it was ok. The Counsellor seemed nice enough and the ladies joining the sessions looked the same as me, though not all as big :-(

So we had to watch this video which was a lot like one of those American infermercials you see on ITV3 at about 4am. You find some 80s ex-Dallas star trying for 30 minutes to sell you piles cream that REALLY works. I may take the piss but in actual fact, I did buy into the dream.

I did mention in my previous post that I am one of the more desperate frumps around so I didn't take much convincing to be honest.

I did however wonder how long it may take to convince my husband to part with £66 per week from our joint account. He was amazingly supportive. Not that he isn't usually supportive because he is. I just wasn't too sure he would be £264 a month worth of supportive. I mean....thats like a mortgage payment in some areas of the country!! When all is said and done though, he wants me to live long enough so that he doesn't have to raise 3 children alone and he certainly sees the appeal in regaining some kind of sex-life. I think he may pay £100 indefinately if it meant he would get to shag a slim wife instead of the fat one he has to make do with at the moment.

So dearest gorgeous hubbies only concern is that we cant afford the plan until after chrimbo at least which is fine because the group wont start until the new year. I get to feed my face with Christmas dinner after all. YAY! But after that of course, it down to business :-/

MEDICAL

At the info meeting I was given a medical form to get my doctor to carry out and fill in. I took this down to the surgery this morning and the receptionists didn't have a clue what to do with it. They refused to book me in until the doctor had looked over the form and agreed to go along with it. One of them even suggested they just get the doctor to sign it and charge me £10 without even having the medical carried out. I was pretty shocked and politely explained that there was little chance of me paying for a medical that wouldnt even be carried out. So they all stood in a corner whispering about the situation and eventually one came back saying she would hand it to the doctor and I would have to telephone later today once he has decided what to do. What a bunch of bints! I should have just asked to make an appointment with the doctor. I made the mistake of explaining what the appointment was for when asked if it was something the practice nurse could deal with. I should have just said No and dealt directly with the doctor once in the appointment. Ah well! You live and learn!

So now I wait.......

"You've got a lovely face...."

2006-12-04T10:42:00.000Z

Hmmm...

This can only mean "shame about the rest of you, fat cow!"

I've heard this "lovely face" comment almost all of my life. I know its said with good intent but I swear I could just pummell the next person to ever say it to me. The last person to say it was my husband so I guess he better choose his words carefully in future lol.

Im facing 30 years old in January and am gutted that I have gotten this old and am still so unhappy with myself. So the moment has arrived....

ACTION!!

Here I am in all my glory ready to face myself (WITH MY "LOVELY FACE", OF COURSE!). This may sound like an easy thing to do for many people but there are those of us who take a long time (if ever) to really "fess up" and sort ourselves out.

My name is Karen and Im 29 years old. I am married with 3 children and am happy on the surface. Under the surface is an entirely different story but I will undoubtedly spill all that here on a daily bases. So, anyone reading this may want to stop now if they have any aversion to slightly (extemely) screwed up people!

I am starting this blog as a commitment to myself that I really am changing things. No more hiding or trying to be invisable.

Im sure I'll have my critics but I'm also sure there will be plenty of people who identify with me. Those are the ones that count in my opinion.

WHAT WAY TO GO?

I have tried everything including Slimming World, Weight Watchers, Slimfast, Aitkins, Lipotrim and dreadful Slimming Pills via my GP. At one stage I went down the route of a back alley doctor who, looking back on all that was really preying on the people who had given up hope. A long queue of desperate looking frumps waiting for their pills and water tablets. Me being one of the more desperate ones.

I have to say, all of these diets have worked for me...for a while. Of them all I have to say Slimming World is the best one but I'm more desperate than ever now. I have AT LEAST 10 STONES TO LOSE!! and no longer have the heart/soul or sanity to muck around.

I recently started considering stomach stapling. I mentioned it to hubby but his advice is that I need to exhaust all avenues before doing something so drastic. I have to say I am not keen on having surgery or being in that small percentage of people that die as a result of this weight loss method.

I know people say "why not just cut down and exercise?" Well it isn't so easy for everyone. Food is most definately my drug. Its a problem for me and I have some deep seated issues with it. Its my heroine, my 2 litres of cider. Its my downfall and I am completely lost to it.

As for exercise, I agree. It needs to be a part of any weight loss plan. Last week I joined a gym with my husband and even went in there twice! Anyone who knows me would know that this is a BIG commitment for me. I hate anything that involves exercise. I actually found i liked it though. I got that endorphine kick all those mental thin exercisey people bleat on about which was pretty fab.

So thats one good step in the right direction. Now i need an eating plan....or not!

Last week Hubby asked me to pick him up some nice fattening snacks whist I was running to the shop. I picked out some junk for him and resisted buying any for myself. I knew I would need a distraction while he stuffed his face so instead I went to the diet mags and picked up one called "Lighter Life". There was a woman grinning on the front page looking all healthy and happy. She was bragging about losing 10 stone so I bought it, knowing my weight loss needs are similar.

I didn't realise that Lighter Life is a structured diet plan like Weight Watchers and the others with weekly meetings etc. I thought it was just a general diet mag.

So I am intruged to try it.

My understanding so far is that you basically give up eating and have weekly 2 hour group therapy to learn about why you have issues with food (if indeed you do). In this time you are having a complete break from food and can concerntrate on the problems you have relating to it whilst having food replacement drinks and soups.

I will write about the diet properly with all the correct facts. Right now Im just eager to get my first post over and done with!

Tonight I have an information meeting with my local Lighterlife counsellor. She believes that because Christmas is nearly here, only 4 people will be attending this meeting but thats fine by me.

If this isn't the diet for me then fine. I will look for some help elsewhere. I am resigned to needing indepth counselling either way. Lots of bleak memories to re-hash, demons to confront and depress myself with. Which is exactly why I have put it off for so long. Somethings gotta give though....and I don't want it to be my ticker!